Tiger Woods Tests Negative for Performance Enhancing Strippers

March 11, 2018

Photo Credit: Tiger Woods by Tour Pro Golf Clubs

 

On the eve of the final round at the Valspar Championship in Florida, Tiger Woods has been cleared by the Performance Enhancing Stripper Organization (also known as P.E.S.O.), a regulatory agency that tests professional athletes and their hotel rooms for any signs of stripper contact that could give them an unfair advantage during competition.

 

Mr. Woods returned to his hotel room after dinner Saturday night to find agents from P.E.S.O. searching his hotel suite. “At first I hated it, but I’m used to it by now. I just let the P.E.S.O. guys do their thing so I can get back to focusing on golf,” explained Mr. Woods.

 

After a thorough search that yielded no signs of stripper activity, P.E.S.O. agents were then posted outside his door all night to ensure he did not get a boost after hours. 

 

Although it is now widely known that prior to 2009 Mr. Woods was using performance enhancing strippers, at the time no one knew such a thing existed. 

 

It was only after the news of Mr. Woods' car accident broke that PGA officials learned such a thing could give a competitor an advantage. Since then the PGA and other professional sports have enlisted the help of P.E.S.O. to keep their sports clean of all performance enhancing strippers.

 

The Satirical Post’s sports correspondent was able to interview one of the P.E.S.O. agents outside Mr. Woods' door Sunday morning at 3:30am.

 

“Some of these girls are angels,” said P.E.S.O. agent Cory Flores. "They have powers that transfer to the athletes. I once met one of them that I swear was walking down the hallway about two inches off the ground. Her feet didn’t touch the carpet. That was at the 2010 Masters. Tiger would have definitely won if she made it through the door. Luckily for Phil Mickelson I caught her. Phil won that year,” Mr. Flores added.

 

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