July 25, 2018

LOS ANGELES - Early Wednesday morning Dancing With the Stars announced director James Gunn, who was fired by Disney after old tweets mocking pedophilia were unearthed, was not too disgraced to be a contestant on the hit dancing show.

July 25, 2018

KREMLIN - As details for the second Trump Putin summit are worked out, Russian President Vladimir Putin has applied for a US security clearance in order to fully participate in discussing all the pressing issues between the two countries.

July 24, 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sarah Huckabee Sanders called an emergency press briefing early Tuesday morning to announce the White House janitor discovered a rare, original copy of the United States Declaration of Independence, written in all caps.

July 22, 2018

NEW YORK, NY - After the player protest issue erupted yet again on Friday, the NFL took the bold step to permanently remove the American flag from all stadiums and replace it with the Russian Federation flag.

July 21, 2018

NEW YORK, NY - Early Saturday morning, longtime friend to President Trump and publisher of National Enquirer, David Pecker continued his quest of acquiring information and stories harmful to the president by making an offer to Robert Mueller for the entirety of the Russia Investigation.

July 19, 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After days of clarifying confusing statements, word choice and explaining the pitfalls of double negative usage, President Trump brought in the 2018 Scripts Spelling Bee champion to bolster his command of the English language, hoping to prevent another needlessly confusing incident of miss-using words.

July 18, 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After days of confused messaging from Trump and the White House about who is to blame for the 2016 election hack, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell sought to lend the president a hand by laying blame squarely on the founding fathers.

July 17, 2018

MOSCOW - Following his better than expected meeting with President Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he was giving every American who chooses to bicker over the DNC server, Obama’s failures and George Papadopoulos the title of ‘Honorary Ambassador to the Soviet Union'.

July 15, 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Late Sunday afternoon Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement confirming Bob Mueller, the special council investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential election, will be President Trump’s translator for the Putin summit in Helsinki.

July 14, 2018

FLORHAM PARK, NJ - Gerber CEO Bill Partyka apologized to America early Saturday morning after an audio recording of the current Gerber baby shocked the conscience of the nation, spurring calls for the 18 month old infant to step down from its spokesbaby role.

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